


Remind Me

by Grey (grey853)



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Drama, Episode Related: Sentinel Too, M/M, Part Two, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 01:36:26
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/792521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grey853/pseuds/Grey
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While Blair helps a friend leave an abusive relationship, he also tries to figure out his feelings for Jim.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Remind Me

## Remind Me

by Grey

Author's webpage: <http://grey.ravenshadow.net/>

* * *

Disclaimer: Not mine. 

Summary: Blair tries to help a friend leave an abusive relationship while also trying to work out his own feelings for Jim. 

Notes: Spoilers for "Sentinel Too" parts one and two. Originally published in COME TO YOUR SENSES 13 in April 1999. 

Warning: This contains violence and explicit language. 

* * *

Remind Me  
by Grey 

The bitter coffee heated his tongue as Jim Ellison leaned against the rail, listening to his roommate typing in mounting frustration. After a few more moments, Blair cursed again. "Damn it." 

Turning, Jim walked back inside and watched as Blair closed down the screen and got another beer. "What's up, Chief?" 

"The program sucks, man. It won't do half of what the other one did. Bet somebody at the university's getting a huge kickback on this piece of shit. My money's on Hanson." 

"And you can't use the other program to do what again?" 

Blair took a long drink, sat down on the couch, and stretched out his legs before he spoke. "Just records. You know, templates of grades and statistics. A lot of paperwork, only it's all electronic. Same old, same old. It's just that it's frustrating to have to change programs, especially when a lot of the software's not compatible or just isn't as user friendly as the old one." 

"And this Hanson guy ordered all the new stuff, right?" 

"Yeah. Heard his brother-in-law has a new computer company." He took off his glasses, put them away, and then rubbed his eyes several times before yawning. Dark circles dragged the color from his normally bright eyes, the paleness of his skin like grey gauze and shadow. 

"You've been working really hard lately. Maybe you should take a break. We could go camping or fishing this weekend. Just get away to relax. It's been awhile since we've done anything like that." 

"Yeah, I know." The quiet regret weighed the words, the tone heavy and edgy. 

"So, how about it?" 

"I'd like to, Jim. I really would." 

"But?" His jaw clenched as he watched his friend keep his eyes on the brown bottle cradled in his hands, his eyes never lifting to meet his. 

"But I've already got plans. Gary is moving in with Jake and I promised to help him with his stuff." 

"Well, maybe we could just go Sunday? It's supposed to be great weather for a change." 

Swallowing hard, Blair shifted and stood up, drinking down the rest of the beer. "It's a nice idea, man, but I've got a ton of stuff to do. Why don't you ask Simon?" He finally looked up as he shrugged, the small smile not quite reaching his eyes. "He's been working on this lure that should give some poor fish a good laugh." 

Jim nodded, his chest tight with disappointment. "Yeah, well, I think he might have plans with Daryl this weekend." 

"Maybe you could all go fishing then." 

"Daryl hates fishing." 

"True, but he loves his dad." 

Jim turned away, his hearing focused on the quick sounds of his friend's anxious heartbeat. "He's a great kid. Simon's a lucky guy." 

"Yeah. He is. Hope he doesn't blow it with the college versus a cop deal though." 

"They'll work it out." 

"Yeah, well, I hope so. Think I'm going to turn in." 

"Blair?" 

"What?" 

He wanted to say wait, I'm sorry, forgive me, but none of the phrases escaped, the words of regret too well guarded. "Think about next weekend then, okay? I'd really like to go some place together." 

A long moment passed at his back, the heartbeat and breathing just a little faster. "I'll think about it. I'm just too tired to think straight right now. See you in the morning, Jim." 

"Okay. No problem." Liar. "Night." 

Jim wrapped his arms around his chest, his bones frozen from his own cold, his own failures. God, he missed his partner. 

* * *

Holding the fuzzy orange bait with green buggy eyes, Jim shook his head. "Damn, Simon, what the hell is it?" 

"The answer to a fisherman's dreams, man. It's going to get me a real prize if I ever get a chance to use it." 

Nodding, Jim put the lure down and stepped back around to the desk to pick up the folder. "More like a fisherman's nightmare. How's something like that supposed to catch anything?" 

Simon shook his head, his smile broad as he took out his cigar. "You, my man, just do not have the right appreciation for fine design. I'll have you know that my little creation passes for a gourmet meal to a starving, near-sighted bass." 

"If you say so, sir." Jim grinned and then sobered as he reviewed the list before him. "You know, this whole business with Newly is starting to take a decidedly ugly turn. Did you see the hospital report on the latest victim?" 

No longer joking, Simon nodded as he freshened his cup with coffee. "Yeah, I saw it. The beatings are escalating, more frequent, and a hell of a lot worse. Broke the poor bastard's spine this time." 

Closing the file, Jim pinched the bridge of his nose as he spoke. "I don't get it. Something just doesn't fit here." 

"You mean like the fact that Newly's never been this vicious before or that it doesn't make sense to put your customers completely out of commission before they pay off their debts?" 

"Yeah, both those. I'm wondering if there's a new player and if maybe it's not Newly we're after." 

Sipping first, Simon thought a few moments before finally speaking. "It's possible. I mean, so far we've only got bits and pieces, certainly not enough to tie him to any one of the victims with enough evidence for conviction. Yet everyone of the people attacked owed him money." 

"Maybe there's another connection we're missing." 

"Maybe, but what?" 

"I don't know that yet. I need to go back and talk to each of the men, see if there's some other tie we've missed." 

"Okay." Simon leaned back as he closed the file. "See what you can find out and let me know by this afternoon." He paused for just a moment and then cleared his throat before he spoke. "Jim?" 

"Yeah?" 

"So, what's going on with you and Sandburg?" 

Avoiding dark eyes, Jim evened up the files in his hands, slapping the edges against his open palm. "He's working." 

"Yeah, but not here, at least not lately. I haven't seen him in over two weeks. Did I do something to piss him off?" 

"No. He's just been really busy." 

"He's always been really busy. Makes me tired just to watch him run through his paces." Head tilted, Simon's gaze made him uneasy. "Jim, why do I get the feeling something more serious is wrong? I thought you two straightened things out." 

"Straightened things out?" 

"Yeah, you know, this sentinel thing. I mean, how can he help you, if he's not around." 

"He's around, Simon, but I don't own him. He's got his own life." 

"His own life, huh?" Frowning, Simon puffed a few times, and then stared directly at him. "So, what you're saying is, he's so busy he's got no time for his best friend and partner of three years? Why don't I believe that?" 

Standing by the window, shifting uneasily, Jim found his voice stubborn and resistant. "Things aren't right between us, Simon." 

"I get that. So, what's wrong?" 

"I'm not sure." 

"Be honest, Jim." 

"I'm trying here, Simon. I am. It's just not easy to admit you've been a total asshole." 

"You'd think with practice it'd get easier." 

Snorting, Jim shook his head. "Yeah, you'd think so." 

"Come on, Jim. Talk to me. What's wrong?" 

"I think I've fucked up big time. I've hurt him, and I mean, really hurt him, Simon." 

"With Barnes?" 

"And with Valerie and just basically not trusting his judgment like I should have. I told him I was sorry, but I don't think it was enough. I mean, we live together, but there's a distance I can't explain. He's shutting me out now. We might as well be strangers." 

Turning, he found Simon's eyes trained on him, studying him. "What?" 

"Jim, I don't know if you've noticed, but Sandburg's not the same man as he was before Barnes." 

"I've noticed." 

"Have you two really talked about what happened at the fountain? 

His gut clenched at the word, the replay of panic painful. "We talked some, but obviously not enough." 

"Jim, Blair had one of those profound experiences that changes everything in a person's life. It's a little hard to imagine dying and then coming back to just go on like nothing ever happened. Jim Ellison might be able to do that, but I don't think the kid can, not forever anyway. Somewhere along the line, he's going to need to talk about that. I think he needs to be able to feel like he can talk to you about it." 

"He could, but so far he hasn't even mentioned it, not since the hospital. I keep expecting it, maybe during some late night session, but so far nothing." 

"Late night session?" 

"Yeah. Sandburg doesn't sleep much. I used to get up in the middle of the night and find him working or just sitting, staring out the window. We'd have some pretty good talks, but that hasn't happened this time." 

"Used to? He doesn't do that now?" 

"He has nightmares. I went down the first time, but he asked me to leave him alone." 

"And since then?" 

"I've left him alone." 

"Damn it, Jim." Simon took a deep breath, his face hardened with concern. "And he's still having nightmares?" 

"Not as bad, but, yeah. On a pretty regular basis, too." 

"And you still haven't talked about this?" 

"By morning he seems okay, just distant and quiet. We eat breakfast and pretty much pretend nothing happened." 

"Shit. I hate to hear this." 

"I know. I hate living it." 

Simon stood up, stepped closer and spoke evenly, the words commanding. "Then, damn it, Jim, change it." 

* * *

"Just put it over there. We're going to set it up later after I've had a chance to settle in." 

Blair placed the monitor on the table as directed and then stood back to wipe the sweat from the side of his face. "This is a great house, man. It's got perfect lighting. Your plants should do just fine here." 

"Yeah, I like it." The tall, lean blond dropped down into a chair with a loud umph and groaned. "God, my back's killing me. I never realized I had so much shit to move. Jake's going to have a fit when he gets home and sees all this stuff." 

Sitting down on the couch across from his friend, Blair rubbed his dirty hands on his jeans. Five hours of packing and lifting added a lot of grime and grit to oily skin, but it didn't really bother him. The exercise gave him a great excuse to just labor, to avoid the chronic nag of thinking too much. Thinking about Jim could be dangerous. "So, where's Jake anyway? Wasn't he supposed to be here?" 

"He just called a minute ago while you were out in the van. Tony wants him to work late and offered him a big fat bonus, so he won't be home until later." Pushing back the damp strands of hair, Gary smiled. 

"That's too bad." 

"Not really. It'll give me more time to get settled in, get things out of the way. Jake doesn't like things messy." 

"So, things are okay between you now? No more fights or anything?" 

"You don't have to worry, big brother. I'm fine. Jake's fine." He rubbed his hands together and then fanned himself. "I can't tell you just _how_ fine my man is sometimes." 

Taking a deep breath, Blair grinned at his friend's obvious excitement. "Settle down, man. You're acting like some kind of horny newlywed or something." 

Gary nodded and leaned in, his voice light and happy. "Yep, and I can't wait for hubby to get home so we can consummate the marriage. It's going to be fucking fantastic." He licked his lips and rolled his eyes, playing up the mock bliss like a silent film star. 

Blair stood up, his chest suddenly tight, his arms aching. Walking over to the large window, he stared out over the open yard, the fence meeting up with a wooded area beyond it. He imagined himself walking deeper into the forest, the lush green swallowing him up, his own hunger gnawing like dull teeth in his belly. "I think it's great you and Jake decided to make the big move, man. He's been better since he stopped drinking and he got over being so defensive. I hope it works out for you." 

"Thanks, Blair. I appreciate that. I know you didn't like him much at first, but he's really a good guy as long as he stays sober. He just has this thing about cops. Nothing personal." 

"I know. Don't worry. My mom feels the same way." 

Before he could turn, his friend stood beside him, a hand on his shoulder. "Are you okay?" 

He soaked in the heated touch, drinking in the contact, wishing for Jim's hand rather than Gary's. "I'm fine." 

"Blair, listen. You haven't been fine for awhile now. Don't you think you should talk about it? I mean, I love you, man, but seeing you like this is breaking my heart." 

"Don't start, Gary." 

"What?" 

"You know what. I told you before I don't want to talk about Jim and me, not to you, not to anybody. It's something I have to work out for myself." 

"But how can you work anything out if you don't tell Jim the problem?" 

"Because it's my problem." Blair stepped away and reached for his jacket. "Look. I need to go anyway. It's been a long day and I've still got a lot of things to do before I can go home." 

"Come on, man, don't do that. I'll shut up. Just stay and have a beer or something." 

"That's all right. Tell Jake hello for me." 

"Blair, don't go yet. Please. I'm sorry." 

"Later, man." 

As the door shut behind him, Blair cringed as he heard his friend curse under his breath. "Well, shit. Nice going, Gary. Scare your friend off, why don't you?" 

Hands stuffed down deep in his pockets, he blocked out the thoughts of his troublesome partner and headed to school. No way did he want to be anywhere near Jim Ellison on a Saturday night when all he could think about was how much he missed him and wanted him back, how much he needed to have it good between them again. His empty gut clenched harder, the twisting knots like fists working through his spine. No way was he ever going to risk that kind of hurt again, not ever, not even if he had to give up everything he'd ever wanted, ever worked for. 

Hell, if dying didn't make Jim admit he loved him, why bother to parade his own heart as an easy target? If safety meant keeping it clean, keeping the distance even and measured between them, he could do that. He had to. He just needed more practice. 

* * *

Sunday morning started with thunder, the rain clouds blocking out all light and washing the air with a relapse of icy wetness. "Well, so much for great weather." Jim added more cream cheese to his bagel as he read through the front page, trying his best to ignore the obvious fatigue rounding down his friend's shoulders. 

"Yeah. Millions of dollars in satellites and they still can't predict a storm worth shit." The younger man rubbed his heavy whiskers several times before he took another drink of coffee. He pulled his robe closed, shivered, and kept his eyes shut against fully waking. 

"You feeling okay, Chief?" 

"Yeah, just tired." 

"You got in really late last night. You and Gary and his new room mate Morrison party a long time?" 

Glancing up, he focused on Jim for just a moment before looking away. "I was just helping him move in, Jim." He pushed his hair back, his voice working to stay neutral. "Look, I know you and Jake had that run in, but Gary's a good friend. They're together so just try not to make such a big deal out of it, okay?" 

"I'm not making a big deal out of it. I was just asking. Besides, the guy's an asshole with a record. Your friend needs to be careful. His buddy Morrison's got a nasty temper, a history of drug use, and been convicted of assault. Plus, he's got bad credit." 

Standing up, muscles tight, Blair took several deep breaths as he stood by the sink. "Nobody asked you to do a god damn background check on my friends, Jim. You had no right to do that. I mean, what the hell is up with you that you think you can just invade people's privacy like that?" 

"Settle down, Chief." 

"I don't want to settle down. I want an explanation. Gary was really pissed about it, and had every right to be." 

"I thought I was doing him a favor." 

"Well, you weren't. You were being a cop." 

The angry tone rocked him, jolted him against the back of the chair. "You say that like it's a dirty word or something." 

"Sometimes it feels dirty." 

"What?" Jim sat very still, watching his friend turn his back and lean his stomach against the counter. 

"It's just that sometimes I'd like to think that there are more important things in your life than your fucking job, man." Before Jim could respond, Blair turned and stomped down the hall to the bathroom, slamming the door shut, locking it behind him. 

"Sandburg?" 

Shower water drowned out his voice just as the wind pelted the windows laced with lightning flashes. Running his hand back over his head, the short hair spiked against his palm, Jim closed his eyes against the crack of thunder. "God, I hate this." 

* * *

"You ready to talk about it yet?" 

"Nothing to talk about." 

Frowning, his face almost too tight to make words, Jim sat down at the table where his friend worked at the computer. "Chief, listen." 

"I don't want to listen, Jim. I've got work to do. I'm sorry I blew up this morning, but I'm still pissed, so just leave it alone, okay?" 

Shaking his head, determined, Jim sat very still and kept his voice level. "Not an option anymore. We have to talk." 

Pushing himself back from the table, Blair stared directly at him, his face stiff and angry. "Remind me." 

"Remind you of what?" 

"When I gave you the right to run my life." 

Blair stood and walked to the other side of the room, his arms firmly wrapped to his chest. As he paced, the strained voice pushed the words, the energy firing strength through every one like a bullet. "I mean, I don't remember when it happened, man. Was it before or after you threw me out when you thought I'd betrayed you? Maybe drowning fucked my memory, but I swear I don't remember saying you had any right to tell me what to do, not anymore, not when you don't even trust me." 

Each word barbed his brain, hooks snagging the truth like prize catches. "Jesus, Chief. I do trust you. Don't you know that?" 

"Trust me? Yeah, right? Like you trusted me about Valerie?" Suddenly still, his voice softened. "Jim, I hate being angry all the time, but I can't tell you how much it hurts that you don't think I know shit about anything anymore. I'm a joke at the station." 

"What the hell are you talking about? A joke?" 

"Ghosts, Jim. Remember? What the hell do I have to do to get accepted? To be taken seriously. If resurrection didn't do it, what the hell am I supposed to do?" 

Trying to stay calm, Jim remained seated, his hands resting on the table top. "Are you saying you're this upset over that stupid joke about the ghosts?" 

"I'm the joke, Jim." 

"The guys were just playing around. It's no big deal." 

"It's not about the guys, not really. It's about how they see me. How you see me. Lately I'm just Crazyass Sandburg." 

"Who just happens to be my partner." 

"You say that, but I'm not sure if it's true anymore." 

Swallowing back his fear, Jim watched Blair as he braced himself against the window, his hair pulled back, still damp from the shower. "Are you saying you don't want to be my partner anymore?" 

"No." 

"What are you saying? 

"I'm just saying nothing feels like it used to." For the first time Blair brought his head up, his blue eyes too bright in the shaded rainy day light. "Don't you feel it, man? Something's between us, some kind of wall I can't see through or climb over. I'm tired of pretending things haven't changed. They have, and not for the better. I can't keep on like this, man. It's too damn hard. I keep forgetting we're friends here, much less partners." 

"Do you really think it's that bad?" 

"Don't you?" 

He spoke carefully, the words like tiny bricks either for building or shattering friendships. "I know we've had a few problems, but do you really think it's so bad we can't fix it?" 

"But how do we do that if you still don't trust me?" 

"But I do. What do I have to do to prove that?" 

Walking over to the couch, Blair sat on the edge, his head down. "You have to do more than say it, man." 

"I don't understand." 

"I know that." Glancing up again, the weak smile softened the anxious panic. 

"Just tell me what to do, Chief, and I'll do it." 

"You're sure?" 

"Absolutely. I hate the way it's been. Just tell me what you need me to do." 

Blair patted the side of sofa beside him and motioned with his head as he spoke. "Okay. First, I need you to come sit down over here and just listen. This isn't going to be easy and I swear, if I start and stop, I may not be able to get through it again." 

A swarmy buzz touched his skin as he moved closer. Settling into the corner, his arms over the cushions and his back straight, he waited, the tension gripping his shoulders. "So, now what?" 

"Just try to relax." 

"Can't do that." 

"Why not?" 

"Because you're scaring the shit of me here, that's why." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah, really. What do you think? You think I like the way it's been between us since Alex? I know I fucked up, but you stayed, and I thought you'd gotten over it." 

Blair sat back against the armrest, one hand on his folded leg, the other pushing back his hair. Even without contact the other man's body heat feathered his skin, the scent salty and slightly musky. 

"This has nothing to do with Alex. This is about us, about how we feel about each other. I need to know where I stand, Jim. And I'm not talking about your best friend, little buddy stuff either. I'm tired of just being pushed to the background every time you decide you've got someone better to be with." 

"What do you mean better?" 

Clearing his throat, Blair's hands moved nervously from his chest to his hair and all in between, his soft voice perfect. "This is hard to admit, but when I questioned you about Valerie, you told me I was the one with the problem, like I was jealous of all the time you were spending with her that whole month after her husband was supposed to be dead." 

"You mean when she was playing me for a fool." 

"Yeah, well, but at the time you didn't know that." 

"You knew." He closed his eyes briefly, blocking out the smoky images of the woman who betrayed him, the woman whose very name burned in his throat like tainted ash. "But, I apologized for that. I told you I was sorry." 

"I know you did, and I appreciate it, but you were right about me having a problem. I _was_ jealous. I was jealous of her and Lila, and anybody else you wanted to be with." 

Air stalled in his lungs, the words he most feared and the words he most wanted to hear aimed right at him. "What?" 

"I was jealous, Jim. You kept falling in love with these women, these people I couldn't compete with no matter how hard I tried." 

"Shit, Chief." Jim shook his head, his mouth slightly open, stunned. "Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions here, but are you saying you're in love with me?" 

His voice steady but low, Blair nodded. "It's a hoot, right? I mean, look at us, het central. Between the two of us, we've pretty much dated most of the available women in the precinct and then some." 

"That's because we're straight and we're single, Chief." 

"Well, yeah, and that's the problem. I'm not as straight as I thought I was. I mean, even before the big blow up with Alex, I was thinking things about us that pretty much made me uneasy, but now, well, it's like I'm thinking about it all the time." 

"It?" 

"Come on, man, don't make me draw you a picture." 

Jim shifted and then leaned forward rubbing his face a few times while he took a deep breath. "Okay, okay. Let's talk about this. You say, you were thinking things about us before. So this isn't new?" 

"No. And it's getting worse, man." Blair refused to look up as he shifted to sit with his legs crossed. "It's like suddenly you're all I think about, and, frankly, it's driving me crazy." 

"Details, Chief. Tell me what you're thinking that's got you so crazy." The light teasing nudge in his voice helped bring a brief smile before the serious concentration returned to those blue eyes. "I mean, maybe it's just some kind of phase thing, right?" 

"Jim, I've never had sex with a man, but for some reason, I started getting really turned on thinking about you. That's never happened before and I don't understand it. I mean, I started doing all this research..." 

"Research? What kind of research? Sex research? That sounds really tough, Chief." 

Taking a calming breath, Blair used his most patient teacher's tone. "On latent homosexuality, Jim. Look, be serious. I'm having a crisis here." 

"I am serious." Jim turned his body toward his partner, raising his right hand to halt interruption of his question. "But why would it be a crisis?" 

"You don't think it's a big deal?" He finally looked up, his eyes wide and incredulous. 

"I never said that. Of course it's a big deal, a huge deal, but it's not a disaster, not a crisis worth making yourself too crazy to sleep over." 

"You're talking about the nightmares, right?" 

"You had another one last night. Is this what they're about? About being afraid to tell me how you feel?" 

"I don't know. Maybe. I'm not sure. It's the same dream every time, only each time it gets more real, more intense." 

"Tell me." Jim focused on his friend's tensing muscles, the subtle changes of breathing and how his eyes stared out in front of him seeing what wasn't really there. 

"I'm in the forest just at the edge of the cliff's edge and I see the wolf, but this time, I am the wolf and I'm scared. Man, I am so alone. I can't describe what it feels like to feel that empty." 

Jim stretched out, resting his palm on his friend's shoulder. "You're not alone, Chief." 

"But I feel alone, Jim, in the dream. The panther I saw before isn't there anymore. I can't find him. And then I hear it." 

"Hear what?" 

"The gunshot and a terrible yowl, like the panther's been shot. Then the earth opens up beneath me and I'm falling into the ocean. It's so fucking cold, man. It's dark and I'm choking. I can't breathe. God, it's so awful." 

"Jesus, Chief." 

"Crazy, huh?" 

"Not after what happened, no. I'll bet it's scary as hell, too." 

"Yeah, you could say that." 

Jim moved closer, his fingers lightly walking up the side of the whiskered cheek, pushing back a wild fuzzy brown curl. "I'm here, Chief. I'm not gone and I never will be." 

Blair met his eyes, his questions expanding the blue rings even wider. "What's going on, Jim?" 

"Dreams and animal spirits aside, Chief, I love you, too." 

"You don't have to say that." 

"I should've said it a long time ago instead of waiting until this whole thing blew up. I mean, I can't say I understand when it all started, but I can't believe we've been so fucking blind all this time." 

Blair rubbed his cheek into Jim's palm, the heat sending tingles up his arm. "You mean you don't mind the idea of us being together?" 

Petting the hair back from Blair's face once more, Jim spoke in a hush, the words suddenly so much smoother against his tongue. "I can't imagine us not being together. If that means moving this relationship to a different arena, then so be it." 

Capturing Jim's hand with his, Blair moved his head back, his eyes still wide, still wary just a little. "We're not talking about just spending more time together, Jim, at least I'm not. I'm talking about being together as lovers, permanent partners. The big C, man. Commitment." 

"I know that, and I'm okay with it." 

"Really?" 

"Just as long as we go slow, because this is new to you and I respect that. Hell, to be honest, I'm flattered and turned on by the fact that you want me." 

"Jim, are you saying the gay part doesn't bother you at all? Come on now, be honest. Tell me you don't think it could be a problem." 

"I said it wasn't and it's not." 

Leaning back further, his hand still in Jim's, Blair shook his head. "I am so not believing this." 

"Believe it, Chief." 

Nodding, he suddenly looked puzzled. "Jim, you said this was new to me. What is it you haven't told me?" 

Stroking Blair's outstretched hand as he spoke in a hush, Jim's voice softened around the words of confession. "The sex wouldn't be new to me, Blair. I've tried it with guys in high school, college, and on missions, especially in Peru. Oh, and there were those times in vice, too. I'm not the virgin here." 

"Jesus, Jim when does trying it become a life style?" 

Smiling, Jim shrugged. "It's wasn't anything like this, Chief. It was just sex. This would be totally different. So, maybe we can try this love a guy thing for the first time together." 

Leaning in, his head near Jim's he smiled wide and laughed. "Man, we are like so going to try." 

Lips pressed against his, Blair's tongue quick and hungry, shoved deep inside before he could answer. Wild hands held his face still while low moans rumbled deep in the younger man's chest. Too soon, he pulled away, let his forehead lean against his shoulder with a contented sigh. "Oh, man, now this was worth dying for." 

Suddenly stiff, Jim pulled back. "Damn it, Chief, don't say shit like that." 

"What?" 

"That stuff about dying. I hate thinking about it." He pulled his friend into his arms, squeezing him chest to chest, wanting to merge into his spirit. "I almost lost you. Don't keep reminding me of that. Please, it's just too much to think about." 

His guide lifted quiet words in a voice he worshipped. "But I want to remind you about what happened, Jim, remind you every day at how lucky we are." 

"Lucky?" 

"Yeah, man. I survived and we get a second chance at living, at having a connection that so few people get a chance to have." Gently he kissed Jim's chest, the wet heat soaking through the cloth, the skin scorched with pleasure. "But, to remind you of one, I have to remind you of the other, and that's okay." 

Swallowing hard, his own fear coated the words, the flavor bitter like green almonds. "That sounds good, but it doesn't feel okay to me, not yet at least. I still worry about it, still have dreams about not being able to save you." 

The nodding head rubbed against his chest as Blair wrapped his arms around Jim's middle. "I know. I've heard you, usually after I've just had a little night terror of my own." 

Suddenly smiling, Jim hugged him tighter and whispered. "Tell you what, Chief." 

"What?" 

"Tonight, let's chase off those terrors together by sleeping in the same bed, want to?" 

"And who says we're going to be doing much sleeping, Jim?" 

* * *

"I mean, you're kidding, right?" Gary turned from the counter and removed his reading glasses while he grinned. "You and Jim?" 

"Yeah." Blair laughed while he unpacked the last of the bowls to put on the shelf. "Last night we pretty much decided to try out being together." 

"About fucking time, man. This is great news." As he put the cookbook down, he stepped over and slapped Blair on the back. "I'm happy for you, Sandburg. You're one lucky bastard to catch that butch treat." 

"Yeah, I am." He held up a cautionary finger. "Just don't let him hear you call him that though. Jim's a little on the conservative side about saying stuff like that." 

Snorting, Gary walked over to pick up his beer. "Calling Jim conservative is like saying a tree's made of wood, Blair. It's a given." Suddenly thoughtful, his green eyes playful, he teased, "Then again, he can't be too old-fashioned considering he's starting an alternative lifestyle." 

"We're not really changing anything. We've lived together three years already." 

"But you haven't been sleeping together, so don't kid yourself thinking things aren't going to change, and I mean drastically. And what about coming out? Jim's a cop. How's that going to work?" 

His gut tightened at the thought of the changes, both the thrill coupled with the dread. "I don't know. We haven't decided when we're going to tell Simon." 

"Look, Blair, I've heard stories about things like this." 

"This?" 

"Yeah, you know, gay cop gets bashed or left out in an alley somewhere without backup. Couldn't people finding out he's gay be a problem?" 

Pushing away the unexpected image of Jim alone on a call, he shook his head. "No way, man. First of all, I'm his back up and if I'm not around, the other guys will take care of him. The detectives in Major Crimes are like brothers in arms. They're great guys." 

"If they're so great, why don't you want to run in right now and tell them the great news? If you were a het couple, they'd throw a party." 

"It doesn't work that way, man." 

"I know that. That's what I'm saying. Is it going to be safe?" 

"God, I hope so." Leaning against the wall, arms crossed, Blair pushed away the fear, the doubts gnawing. "It's not the guys we work with. They're okay. I just worry about Jim's career. I mean, Jim's a great guy and I love him, but sometimes he can rub people the wrong way, you know?" 

"Yeah, I've seen his hardass side." 

"I'm sorry." 

"Don't be. It's history. Jake can be just as much an asshole as Jim, no contest. But do you think these enemies he's made would really go out of their way to hurt him if they find out about you two? 

"Yeah, maybe. I don't know. I just know, after everything that's happened, I have to risk this." 

"And Jim?" 

"He says he loves me and I believe him." 

Stepping closer, Gary opened his arms and pulled Blair into an embrace. "I am so happy for you, man." 

"Well, isn't this cozy." The harsh voice from the doorway startled both men as Blair stepped back and away. 

"Jake, guess what, hon." 

"You've decided to fuck this guy right in my house?" 

"Oh, man, that is so not called for." Angry, Blair stepped around the table to get his jacket, but found Jake blocking his path. 

"Listen, you little cocksucker, get your ass home to your own man and stay away from mine." 

"Jake, would you just stop it?" Trying to step between them, Gary ended up shoved roughly against the counter. Before he could speak again, the sharp slap against his face cracked the air. 

"Shut up, you bitch, or next time it'll be a fist. You want that?" 

"No." 

"Then just shut the fuck up." Gary stood passively, pulled in on himself, his eyes down and avoiding Blair's. 

"Shit, Jake, what's your problem?" 

"You. Now get the hell out, and don't come back. I see you sniffing around again, even your detective won't find the body. Got that?" 

Clenching his jaw, his fists tight and his skin flushed, Blair stared into the dark brown eyes. The sharp stench of alcohol turned his stomach, but his voice stayed steady. "I'm going, but don't threaten me and don't be stupid." 

The larger man stepped even closer, the straight dark hair falling across his forehead and down around his shoulders. "What the fuck did you just say?" 

Blair nodded his head in his friend's direction. "You keep pulling this shit and he's going to leave you. Hit him again, and I'll take him out of here myself." 

"You and who else, you cocky son of a bitch? You think because you hang with cops, I'm not going to knock you on your ass if I feel like it?" 

"You do and you'll have your ass in jail." Keeping eye contact, his meaning and challenge clear, Blair added, "You might be able to beat the shit out of me, but you'd better make it worth the effort, man, because you know you'll be going to prison with a third strike. And believe me, right now I'd enjoy making that happen. No problem." 

"Shit." Jake looked away, frustrated, and walked over to the refrigerator for a beer. "Get the hell out, Sandburg. Don't push your fucking luck." 

Blair stepped to the door, his hand pausing on the knob. 

"Call if you need to talk, Gary. Hear me?" 

"Yeah." 

"Get the hell out, you prick, before I have to throw your ass out." 

"I'm going. When you sober up, I hope you have enough sense to kick your own ass." 

As the door slammed behind him, Jake's litany of escalating curses made him fear for his friend's safety. About to call for assistance, the door opened and Gary stood alone, the room behind him suddenly quiet. "Blair, it's okay. Honest. Go home and we'll talk tomorrow. Jake's just a little upset now, but he'll be all right after he sleeps it off." 

"You're sure?" 

"Yeah. I'll call you tomorrow. Promise." 

"Okay, but I swear, if you don't, I'm coming over here myself to check on you. Got that?" 

"I'm fine. Now, go kiss Jim and tell him he's a lucky bastard." 

* * *

Sitting at his desk, Jim studied the screen, suspicion growing. Just as he was about to click to another window, he heard his partner's too rapid heartbeat. Turning, he watched as Blair sagged down beside him, his face angry. "What's wrong, Chief?" 

"Damn it, Jim." 

"What?" 

"I just saw Jake hit Gary and Gary just stood there and took it." The words carried confusion, weaving the concern between each syllable. 

"I told you Morrison was an asshole." 

Blue eyes narrowed as Blair's voice tightened even further. "This is so not the time for that I told you so shit. I know what he is, but Gary loves him. Don't ask me why. I don't have a clue. And what I really don't understand is why he lets him treat him like shit and still hangs in there." 

Leaning back just a little, Jim studied the strained features. He touched his shoulder lightly and then pointed at the screen behind him. "I can't answer for Gary, but I might be able to make your day as far as Morrison goes." 

"How's that?" 

"Remember I told you about the Newly case?" 

"Yeah, why? What's that got to do with Jake?" 

Shifting his seat back to give his friend a better view, he pointed at lines on the screen and then handed him a file. "That's a statement from the guard of victim two's apartment building. It includes a description of a stranger who showed up the night before the beating." He tapped the picture in the folder. "Now look at this surveillance photo. Who does it look like to you?" 

Pulling his glasses from his pocket and putting them on precisely, Blair studied the image and then shook his head. "It looks like Jake, but it's really distorted. There's no way to be sure." Running his hand back through his hair, Blair's voice lowered to a whisper. "Damn it, Jim, I hope this isn't really him." 

"Why? This would be a perfect way to close my case and get your friend free of that jerk." 

"But if it is, it's going to kill Gary when he finds out." 

"Better a little heart break now than being beaten to death later. If this is the guy we're looking for, then your friend could be in real danger." 

Blair continued reading while he talked, his whole body stiff and anxious. "But how can this be Jake? I mean, I thought the Newly case was about gambling debts." 

"It is, but what if Morrison's the new muscle for Newly?" 

"But he's a cook." 

"Which means he might want to supplement his income." 

Closing the file, Blair sat back, his eyes still not meeting Jim's. "What are we going to do?" 

"First I tell Simon and then I'm going to get this photo over to Serena. See if she can get it cleaned up enough to prove a connection so I can get a warrant to check out Jake's place." 

"I could do that. I mean, I could go to see Gary as soon as Jake leaves and see if there's anything to find." 

Jim wrapped his friend's wrist in his fist, leaning closer, his voice rough and adamant. "Don't you even go near that place until I figure out if this is really our guy. And don't you dare say anything to Gary. He'd tip him off and then some serious shit could happen." 

Blair jerked his arm away but didn't put any distance between them. "What are you talking about?" 

"I'm talking about Morrison going off on your friend before he takes off." 

"But if he's in danger, Gary needs to get out of there." 

Taking a deep breath, he gauged his words carefully. "If he's being hit and won't leave, do you really think he'd leave just because you say so? Be honest." 

"You're probably right, but there's got to be some way to make sure he's safe." 

"I'll watch out for him the best I can, but just promise me you won't go over there until this is over, okay?" 

Reluctantly, Blair nodded. "Okay, but, god, I hope you're wrong about this." 

"Me, too, Chief, but every cop alarm I've got is going off here." 

Standing, Blair turned to leave. "You going to be okay, Blair?" 

"Yeah, I'm fine. I'm going over to the university. I've got some research to finish. Call me if you find out anything or if you go after Jake. I want to be there." 

"I want you there, too, Chief. Always." 

A brief smile and glance graced the tired features as his partner nodded, the extra meaning behind the words not lost. "Same here, man. Later." 

"Later." His chest tightened as he watched the man he loved leave, memories of the previous night's hugs and kisses heating his skin. Never graced with a generous supply of patience, Jim headed to see Simon. The sooner he finished with the case, the sooner he could hurry home to the most important person in his life. 

"Hey, man, why do you look so ready to get down all of a sudden?" Brown slapped his back as he stepped past his desk, his whole body graceful as he slid into his own chair. 

"What?" 

"Yeah, you know, man, that look that says you're thinking about getting down and busy with someone a hell of a lot more fun than thugs and murderers." 

Smiling even wider, almost to the edge of goofy, Jim tilted his head. "Because I am." 

"Cool. 'Bout time, my man." 

"I hear that." 

* * *

Concentration deserted him as Blair sat staring at the screen full of article links. He couldn't focus on the work with the replay of the afternoon going on in his head. Pushing back from the desk, he stood up and got himself more coffee. Just as he started to sip, the knock at the door brought his head up. "Blair?" 

"Gary, come on in. Are you okay?" 

"No, and I really need your help. I think I could be in some serious trouble." Coming into the office, the lanky young man settled into the chair. "Jake's really pissed off and I'm afraid he's going to do something stupid." 

"Like what?" Stepping closer, Blair saw the bruise darkening the cheek. "My god, Gary, is that where he hit you this afternoon?" 

"It's nothing, Blair, honest." 

Biting his tongue not to tell him just how not nothing it was, he pulled the desk chair closer. "So, what's going on?" 

Large hands moved nervously as Gary talked, the words rapid and breathy. "He got this call right after you left, something about Jim." 

"What about Jim?" 

"I don't know. I just know that Jake was wild, man. He really scared me." 

Reaching a hand over, Blair gently touched his friend's shoulder and then asked, "Wilder than he was this afternoon?" 

"Way wilder." Lowering his head to his hands, the young man rubbed his face several times before he looked up. "I think he was doing more than just drinking." 

"You mean drugs?" 

"He doesn't do them often, but, yeah, probably. But the worst part is that I think the phone call had something to do with this guy he's been doing jobs for, something illegal." 

"You know about that?" 

Gary shook his head, his eyes even more red, his voice shaky. "Oh, man, then it's true. You already know about it, I can tell." 

"I promised Jim not to say anything, but you need to leave Jake, man. He's dangerous." 

"But where the hell am I supposed to go? I mean, I gave up my apartment and now there's no place. God, I was so stupid." 

Blair put his hand on his arm as he spoke, his voice both even and soothing. "You can come home with me to the loft." 

"What about Jim?" 

"You can stay in my room until this whole thing is settled." 

Swallowing hard, his voice choked. "Are you sure?" 

"Absolutely. The best way to stay out of trouble is to move in with a cop, right?" 

* * *

Blair poured the tea, watching his friend growing more anxious. "It's going to be okay, man. I called Jim and told him about the phone call and about bringing you here." 

"And he was okay with that?" 

"Sure. He and Simon are on the case. Jim said they've got an APB out on Jake now." 

Shaking his head, the young man swallowed hard, each word close to choking. "I can't believe he did this, Blair. I thought I knew him, but I didn't know shit. He completely fooled me." 

"He fooled a lot of people." 

"Not Jim." 

"No, but Jim's different." 

Standing up, Gary walked to the counter and put the drink in the sink. "I need to clean up and if you don't mind, I think I'll lie down. I still love him and I just can't deal with any of this right now." 

"Sure. I've got some work to do and I'll fix supper later after Jim gets home." 

"You don't have to stay here and baby sit. I know you were working when I barged in." 

"And I can work just as well here. Now go on. Everything's cool." 

"Thanks." 

As soon as Gary went into the bathroom, Blair turned to clean up the kitchen. The crash of the front door caught him off guard and before he could call out or pick up the phone, Jake stood just a few feet away, his gun trained at the grad student's middle. "What the hell's going on?" 

"You should've stayed out of this, Sandburg. I warned you." He shut the door and motioned with his weapon. "Move over to the couch and sit down. Where's Gary?" 

"I'm right here, Jake. What the hell are you doing? Put that gun down." 

"Shut up and sit down over there with you little buddy." When Gary didn't move quite fast enough, Jake shoved him down next to Blair. 

"You're crazy, Jake. Jim's on his way home any minute." 

"That's a lie, Sandburg, because he's too busy chasing my ass around town to get here anytime too soon. Besides, I don't plan to hang around for him to catch me." 

"Jake, hon, don't do this. Jim's a fair man. Tell him about the others and he'll help you get a deal with the DA or something." 

"God, you're such a stupid prick, Gary. What do you think Ellison's going to do, send me on vacation? He's going to lock my ass up for fucking forever." 

As the gun shook with the anger, Blair used his best persuasive voice to reach through the haze of drugs and alcohol. "Come on, man, you hurt either of us and you won't even make it to prison. Jim will kill you." 

"Maybe that's what I want." 

"What?" 

"You have any idea what it's like in prison, Sandburg? Any fucking clue?" Jake paced back and forth, the gun now held to his head, the muzzle stroking his temple. "I can't do that again. Never. I'll shoot you both and then myself if I have to, but I won't fucking go back." 

As Gary started to rise, the gun came down in his direction. "Move again and I swear I'll shoot." 

"Baby, come on, put the gun down. I know you don't want to hurt anybody. You're just upset." 

Jake stared, his face twisted. "Upset? Yeah, you could fucking say that. Ellison's wrecked my life. I was only going to work for Newly until I was paid up. I got five thousand dollars for each of the guys I leaned on. I mean, I only had one more to do and I'd be home free, but no, along comes Ellison." Focusing on Blair, he sneered. "And he's going to pay for that." 

"Jake, baby, you can't hurt Blair. He's got nothing to do with this." 

"He's got everything to do with it. You're with him instead of me. It's because of him that you left me, left me when I needed you. If it weren't for him, Ellison wouldn't even know about me." 

Before Blair could say anything to stop him, a blur of motion and a crack of gunfire cut off the light. Impact slammed his left shoulder, the numbness right before awareness like a fire flash of agony to the bone. Head falling back, words failed him, his mind melting into narrow screams. Gary shouted his name, the echo drawing pain from a very long distance. Panic swallowed him whole, his air sucked to nothing as pressure pushed him into the darkness, the cold like frozen velvet coating his lungs. 

And this time no wolf stood between cliff's edge and forest, no panther spirit blocked his path to what lay beyond the trees. This time Blair floated alone into the spinning waves, choking not on water, but the sliding chill of his own blood. 

* * *

Jim leaned against the wall, rubbing his forehead, his eyes shut tightly against light trying to spear each and every one of his panicked brain cells. "This can't be happening. Not again, Simon. I can't lose him." 

A strong hand squeezed his shoulder while another gripped his arm. "Listen to me, Jim, just settle down. He's going to be okay. The doctors are working like crazy to repair the damage to his lung and shoulder. It looks good. Alan Gordon's a friend of mine and he wouldn't lie, not about this, and he's the best pulmonary man around." 

"God, so much blood." 

"I know." The hushed affirmation sounded like an amen to his own tortuous prayer of disbelief. 

Jim flashed on the scene in the loft, the rush of rust coating his throat overwhelming him. Finding an unconscious Blair bleeding and pinned under his dead friend swelled in his sight, his guide's lone heartbeat the only thing keeping him from zoning. Emergency techs worked around him, his presence as effective as a ghost's, totally useless. His touch did nothing to retrieve his friend, didn't faze him. 

"He's got to be all right." 

His captain's open palm stroked his back in comfort, his voice at his ear a beacon to calm. "Let's sit down, Jim. You're shaking." 

Guided to the couch, he settled into the cushions, his eyes still closed against the stabbing overhead lights. His knotted gut filled his belly, the tension matching the clenched muscles. Head pounding, his lungs rebelling against common breathing, a wave of nausea joined the crowd. "I think I'm going to be sick." 

"Wouldn't be the first man to puke in a hospital. There's a trash can to the right if you need it. Just try to relax. The kid's going to kick my ass if I let you go into shock here. Just try to take slow deep breaths for me, okay?" 

"He can kick anybody's ass if he'll just get through this." Shifting to lean forward, his head down, Jim rested his face into both hands. Nothing prepared him for the impact of this second near loss. An involuntary shudder wracked him. "I love him, Simon." 

"I know. I do, too. He's a good man and he doesn't deserve this, but he's going to pull through. We have to believe that." 

"You don't understand what I'm saying. I _love_ him. I want to be with him forever and I can't do that if he keeps trying to leave me like this." As he spoke, his words grew louder and more furious. "Shit, this is driving me crazy. I've never felt so out of control, not even at the fountain. At least there I could _do_ something. I could bring him back. Here I can't do a damn thing but wait. I feel fucking useless." The force behind the frustrated words brought other visitors' eyes in his direction. They looked away quickly and kept their distance. 

Simon, still holding onto Jim's arm, edged closer, his voice still calm and even. "Listen to me. You've got to get yourself together here. Blair's going to need you when he gets out of surgery. You fall apart and you really will be useless, but right now, you're just upset like anyone would be when the person you love is hurt." 

Eyes met, the understanding from his friend a blanket of needed comfort that let him finally relax slightly. "I hate feeling out of control." 

"Hardly a news flash, Jim." 

Smiling weakly, Jim nodded and took several very long breaths before he spoke again, this time his words more deliberate. "I also hate that Morrison shot himself in the head before I could do him the favor." 

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that." 

"Pretend all you want, but it won't change what I'm feeling. If I'd gotten there sooner to shoot the bastard, Gary would still be alive and Blair wouldn't be fighting for his life right now." 

"Jesus, Jim, I hope you're not blaming yourself for this, too." 

"Who should I blame? I should've had enough evidence to arrest the son of a bitch before it came to this point. I knew he was trouble, but I dragged my feet on this. Besides, when Blair called to tell me about the phone call and taking Gary to our place, I should've insisted he bring him to the station so I could protect them." 

Simon shook his head, his face strained in concern. "You're a sentinel, not a psychic. There's no way you could've guessed the guy was that crazy." 

"But I should have. I told you before the violence was escalating." 

"Then we're both to blame because I had the same facts you did." 

"But I'm the primary." 

"Well, hell, Jim, lets just blame the whole damn force, want to? We all fucked up. It had nothing to do with Morrison being a drugged out asshole looking to get even or anything, right?" 

Looking up, he saw his captain staring at him, his point sinking in. "I'm sorry, Simon." Running his hand back over his hair, Jim swallowed hard, his throat a prison to hard words. "I just need to make some sense to all this." 

"There is no sense to the senseless, Jim. People like Morrison don't have any real point to their violence. You've been around long enough to know that. They hurt and destroy everything and everyone around them. It's got nothing to do with anything you or I or Blair do. It's just the way it is. We as cops try to ameliorate that the only way we can by doing the best job we can at getting them off the street, but we can never stop it completely. Good people like Sandburg who try to help out sometimes get hurt, but I don't think you want him to stop trying, do you?" 

"No, sir. Blair lives to help people." Choking up, he cleared his throat several times before he spoke, the words almost too thick to manage. "I just need him to be okay." 

"He will be. Have faith." 

"God, you don't know how hard that is for me. Faith is Blair's department." 

"Then do what he does." 

"What's that?" 

"Have faith in your partner." 

* * *

Sitting next to the bed, Jim held Blair's hand through the metal rail, the skin unnaturally cold and thin. He blocked out the monitors and instead focused on the heartbeat and breathing, the steady sound that anchored him, let him keep watching the gentle rise and fall of his guide's chest with anxious anticipation. Several times Blair's near waking taunted him, but failed to lessen the tension. Slowly the increase of vitals brought his attention to the fluttering eyelids and the soft groan as the younger man opened his puffy eyes. 

"That's it, Chief. Wake up for me, okay?" Standing by the bed, looking down, his hand still holding Blair's, Jim saw awareness. Relieved, he petted back the hair from his forehead and spoke softly as he leaned against the rail. "You're going to be okay, Blair. They've fixed the lung and the doctor said there's no permanent damage. Your arm may take awhile longer, but you're still going to be fine." 

His voice razored the air, the word raspy and painfully grating. "Hurts." 

"I know. Bullets hurt like hell. No way around it." 

The pressure in his hand changed as Blair gripped harder, his eyes closing for a few moments before he opened them, the blue unfocused and dazed. "Gary?" 

Swallowing hard, Jim kissed his friend's right hand and whispered, "He's dead, Chief. He blocked the shots from Morrison's gun with his own body. The bullets they took out of you went through him first. If they hadn't, you'd be dead now, too. He saved your life." 

Squeezing his eyes shut, a tear ran down the side of Blair's face, his skin flushed, his breathing a little faster. Gently caressing his cheek, Jim's words came out like a quiet dirge. "I'm so sorry, Blair. He was a good friend, a friend who saved us both." 

His breathing slowed with exhaustion, Blair drifted back into drugged sleep, his body demanding rest and recovery. Jim Ellison bent down and kissed the forehead of the man he loved. He prayed that whatever afterlife existed, it was indeed beautiful and that Gary found whatever peace god allotted for saviors. 

* * *

"Come on, Blair, finish that broth and you get a gold star from Nurse Hanson." 

"I've had enough, Jim. Don't keep pushing." The younger man put the spoon down and shoved the tray away. Rubbing his forehead with his good hand, he turned his face toward the window and away from Jim. 

"If you were trying to feed a gnat maybe, but you have to eat, Chief. They're not going to let you out of here anytime soon if you stay puny." 

"I'll be fine when I get home. I just need to rest and get myself together." 

Jim sighed and leaned forward, his aching back tired from the long days and nights of his vigil. "Look, I know you're frustrated as hell. We both are, but you can't go home yet. You know that." Stepping over to the other side of the bed, he took Blair's good hand and rubbed it between both of his, the skin too warm beneath his fingers. The stubborn fever refused to go down despite the massive dose of antibiotics. He studied the shadowed eyes and the tense features and whispered, "I love you, Blair. You just have to be patient." 

"I know." Still not making eye contact, he squeezed Jim's hand. "I just wish I could've gone to the funeral. Gary's mom is such a cool lady. I didn't know what to say when she came by afterwards." 

"You did great, Chief. And you're right, she's a cool lady." 

His voice still breathy, Blair spoke even more quietly. "This is going to sound weird, but I have to ask you a question." 

"What?" 

"What about all the blood?" Jim stiffened and Blair looked up. "I'm sorry, man. I just need to know before I have to go in there." 

"Don't worry about that. Everything's cleaned up. The couch is gone and replaced thanks to Simon and the guys. The floor's even refinished." 

"You're kidding." 

Jim studied the incredulous face and smiled. "Nope. Brown's got a cousin. Looks brand new." 

Blinking several times, Blair looked away. "But it's not. Oh, man, Jim, this is going to be hard. Worse than Lash or Chapel. Gary died there. It took me weeks to get over Incacha and I didn't even know him like I know Gary. The whole thing sucks." 

He lifted his partner's chin and spoke with conviction. "Then we'll move. We won't even go back if you don't want to. We can stay in a hotel or with Simon until we find a place and get our stuff later. Whatever you want, Chief." 

Touching the back of Jim's hand, he held it to his face for a moment, and then kissed the palm. "I love you, man. We don't have to move. I'm just going to need some time, that's all." 

"All the time you want, any place you want." 

"Jesus, Jim, you're turning all mushy on me." 

Leaning in closer, his lips mere inches from Blair's flushed face, he whispered a hushed promise. "I'm going to define mushy when I get you home. Romance thy name is Ellison." 

Laughter turned to coughing and then to a low moan as Jim kissed and suckled the fevered neck of his partner, his hands giving his guide a thorough preview of coming attractions. 

Nurse Hanson cleared her throat, waited, and then stepped back outside. Break time came early and lasted a little longer than usual, but she smiled all the way through it. Mr. Sandburg certainly made for a remarkable and impressive recovery. 

* * *

"You don't have to do this, Jim. I can wash myself." Blair sat propped in their bed, his button down pajama top still buttoned. 

Jim put the basin down along with the linen, soaps, and lotions and smiled. "With one hand? Not likely. Besides, I kind of like the idea of cleaning you up a little." 

"More like getting down and dirty from the way you've been acting." 

"You complaining?" 

"Only about the fact that I haven't been able to do much about it." For the first time in days, Blair leaned back with a smile. "God, it's good to be home." 

"I'll second that." Jim sat down on the edge of the bed and started to work on the buttons. The bandage still wrapped the shaved chest, the hair only starting to grow back in stubble and patches. His face burned at the memory of what the cloth covered, the damaged flesh of his guide. 

A hand touched his cheek lightly and brought his head up. "It's okay, Jim. It doesn't hurt that much anymore. Honest. And the arm, well, it's still numb." The slight breathiness of his voice underlined the improvement, but still echoed the impact of the bullet, the nerves in his partner's shoulder still in shock, the muscles stubbornly paralyzed. 

Placing his palm just over Blair's heart, he whispered, "God, Blair, I almost lost you again." 

"But you didn't. Now, come on, don't freeze me here. Either wash the itchy places or get naked and cuddle me until I sweat. I'm feeling a little exposed here." 

"Choices, choices. I'm a greedy bastard, so I think I'll do both. Any objections?" 

"Sounds like a plan, man." 

Draping Blair with towels first, he then soaped up the sponge and alternated between washing and drying. He enjoyed the slow relaxation beneath his fingertips, his friend's absolute trust a real turn on. Ignoring his own arousal, he carefully made sure no residue lingered either on the back or chest, face or shoulders. When the younger man was dressed again, he rubbed his chin as if pondering a new plan of attack. "Now, the bottoms, Chief. I'm afraid this is going to be a little more tricky." 

"You can say that again. You start rubbing like that and I'm going to need another bath right after." 

"Would that be so bad?" 

Blair opened his eyes fully, staring back a few moments before he spoke. "That's a tempting offer, Jim." 

"But?" 

"But I don't want our first time to be like that. I want to be able to give as good as I get." 

"I understand, but if something happens, I don't want you to be embarrassed or hold back. If it feels good, why not enjoy it?" 

"Oh, man, what's not to enjoy? I have my own personal Jeeves here. A man to answer my every whim, to bathe and dress me, to bring me food in bed. Feeling good is an understatement." Blair took Jim's hand and licked the fingers. The older man's whole body shivered, each nerve firing a charge to his spine and then right down to his groin. His neglected cock thickened and begged for attention, the aching pitiful and needy. 

"Feels pretty damn fine to me, too, Chief. I'm afraid I'm not quite so noble. I don't mind getting a little relief before the honeymoon cruise." 

Blair's body stilled, his heartbeat suddenly faster. "Honeymoon?" 

"What's wrong?" 

"Nothing, it's just that word carries a lot of meaning for me." 

"You mean like the fact that we're going to take one after we're officially committed." 

"Jim, what are you saying?" The words came out dry, powdering the air with puffs of hope. 

Putting the water and towels on the table, Jim scooted in beside Blair's left side and pulled him into a careful hug. "You should've remembered to say this sooner, but I want this to be forever, Chief. I want a ceremony and a vow and the whole dance that goes with getting married." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah, really." 

"Okay." 

"Okay what?" 

"In my mind we're already committed, but as an anthropologist I understand the need for ritual and ceremonial bonding." 

"That sounds romantic as hell, Chief. I just asked you to marry me, not write an article." 

"Yes, I'll marry you." 

"Thanks." 

"You're welcome, but I'm keeping my own name. Don't even think about calling me Ellison." He molded his body to Jim's, relaxing after a quick squeeze and burrow to get more comfortable. 

"No problem. I'm modern enough to handle such liberated notions." 

Sensing the growing fatigue, Jim ignored his disappointed cock and the rest of the bath in lieu of a nap. Pulling up the covers, he announced, "Time to cuddle, Chief." 

"Just hold me, Jim, and I'm yours forever." 

Settling in, his arms surrounding his lover, Jim secured his embrace and kissed the curls. Closing his eyes, he drifted on his familiar scent, salt and musk and survival. It all wound back to wrapping himself around the one person who mattered in his life, his guide and his soul's companion. He traveled to the healing place in his heart, the place he held safe and sacred. A deep breath and a snuggle later, the two men shared a vision, a walk on the cliff's edge not alone, but together, power in their spirits merging. 

There he conjured a powerful pairing, sentinel and guide, locked together in the knowledge that light created shadows, but also destroyed them. Light rested in his arms, warming him in the constant reminder that his own darkness remained banished, impotent against the force of his guide's cherished and commanding direction. 

The end 


End file.
